The Complete Idiot's Guide to Vodka Cocktails (We Promise Not to Judge Your Ice Cube Ratio)

Right, let's get something out of the way immediately: you don't need to be a mixologist, a bartender, or someone who owns more than one type of glass to make good vodka cocktails. You don't need fancy equipment, exotic ingredients, or the ability to flip bottles whilst maintaining eye contact with an impressed audience.

What you do need is vodka (ideally good vodka, like Dutch Barn), some basic mixers, ice, and the willingness to follow some very simple instructions without overthinking it. That's it. That's the whole list.

We've all been there, staring at bottles and mixers like they're a puzzle we're not quite solving, wondering if "muddling" requires a special degree, and questioning whether the ratio of ice cubes to liquid actually matters (it does, but not as much as Instagram would have you believe).

So here's your complete guide to vodka cocktails, written for actual humans who just want a drink that tastes good without requiring a literature review of cocktail recipe books from the 1920s.

The Essential Equipment (Or: Things You Probably Already Own)

Before we get into specific drinks, let's talk about what you actually need:

Glasses – Any glass will do. Proper cocktail glasses are nice, but a tumbler, a wine glass, or that mug with the funny slogan will all hold liquid equally well.

A shaker – If you have one, great. If not, a jam jar with a lid works perfectly. We're making cocktails, not performing surgery.

A measuring device – Shot glasses, measuring spoons, or just eyeballing it based on vibes. Cocktail purists will tell you precision matters. They're not entirely wrong, but they're also not fun at parties.

A spoon – For stirring. Any spoon. A fancy bar spoon is just a long spoon that costs more money.

Ice – Controversial opinion: ice from your freezer is fine. You don't need artisanal hand-carved spheres unless you're trying to impress someone, and if you're trying to impress someone with ice cubes, you might need to reconsider your approach.

A jug – For batch cocktails like the Lazy Donkey. Any jug works.

Citrus and a knife – For cutting garnishes. Revolutionary, we know.

That's it. If anyone tells you that you need more equipment than this, they're selling something.

The Golden Rules (There Are Only Three)

• Rule 1: Good vodka makes good cocktails
• You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and you can't make a great cocktail out of vodka that tastes like paint stripper. Use decent vodka. Your taste buds will thank you.
• Rule 2: Fresh is better
• Fresh lime juice beats bottled lime juice. Fresh mint beats dried mint. Fresh ingredients beat everything. This isn't snobbery; it's just how flavour works.
• Rule 3: Ice matters (but not as much as people claim)

More ice = colder drink + less dilution. Less ice = warmer drink + more dilution. Find your preference and stop worrying about what the internet thinks.

Right, now onto the actual drinks.

Lazy Donkey: The "I Can't Be Bothered But Still Want Something Great" Drink

Let's start with the star of the show, the Lazy Donkey. This is a signature serve made with Dutch Barn Ginger Spiced Vodka, and it's brilliantly simple. Perfect for people who love a great drink but draw the line at buying a muddler.

Plus, 25% of profits from every bottle of Ginger Spiced go to The Donkey Sanctuary, so you're helping real donkeys whilst drinking. Win-win.

What you need (for a jug serving 6-8):

• 350ml Dutch Barn Ginger Spiced Vodka
• Ginger beer (Double Dutch works brilliantly)
• Ice
• Lime wedges
• Fresh mint (if you're feeling fancy)

How to make it:

• Add all ingredients to a mixing jug with ice
• Stir for 30 seconds
• Throw in some lime if you can be bothered
• Drink, laugh, and help donkeys

For a single serve:

• 60ml Dutch Barn Ginger Spiced Vodka
• 200ml ginger beer
• Ice
• Lime
• Mint

Just add everything to a glass with ice, stir, and you're done.

Why it works:

The Ginger Spiced vodka is already packed with flavour, four hot gingers, citrus, and a riot of spice. It kicks like a mule (see what we did there?) and pairs perfectly with ginger beer. It's refreshing, it's bold, and it's virtually impossible to mess up.

Why we love it:

Whilst the Moscow Mule is a classic, the Lazy Donkey is better. There, we said it. It's easier to make, tastes amazing, and supports The Donkey Sanctuary. What's not to love?

Espresso Martini: The "I'm Sophisticated But Also Tired" Drink

The Espresso Martini is having a moment. Actually, it's been having a moment for about five years, but that moment shows no signs of ending.

What you need:

• 50ml Dutch Barn Vodka
• 25ml coffee liqueur (Kahlúa works)
• 25ml fresh espresso (cooled, or you'll make hot vodka coffee, which is a different drink entirely)
• Ice
• Coffee beans for garnish (optional but traditional)

How to make it:

1. Get your espresso and let it cool (warm cocktails are rarely the goal)
2. Add Dutch Barn Vodka, coffee liqueur, espresso, and ice to a shaker
3. Shake hard for 10-15 seconds (this is important, you want that foam on top)
4. Strain into a martini glass or coupe (or honestly any glass you have)
5. Garnish with three coffee beans if you're doing the traditional thing

Why it works:

Coffee and alcohol is a combination humans have appreciated since we discovered both substances. It's sweet, it's bitter, it's caffeinated, and it's alcoholic. What's not to love?

Common mistakes:

• Using instant coffee (please don't)
• Not shaking hard enough (you need that foam)
• Making it too early in the evening (it's caffeinated, unless you're planning an all-nighter, pace yourself)

Dutch Barn tip:

Because Dutch Barn vodka is naturally smooth, it doesn't compete with the coffee flavour. Some vodkas try to fight the espresso for dominance. Ours knows when to step back and let the coffee shine.

The Gibson Martini: The "I'm Classy With a Twist" Drink

The Gibson is a classic martini with a savoury twist, pickled onions instead of olives. It's elegant, it's distinctive, and it's perfect for dinner parties.

What you need:

• 60ml Dutch Barn Vodka
• 10ml dry vermouth
• Ice
• Pickled onions on a skewer

How to make it:

• Fill mixing glass with ice
• Add Dutch Barn Vodka and vermouth
• Stir generously and strain into a frozen martini glass
• Garnish with pickled onions on a skewer

Why it works:

It's simple, it's strong, and the pickled onions add a subtle tang that elevates the whole experience. It's sophisticated without being pretentious.

Dutch Barn tip:

Use good vodka for martinis. There's nowhere for bad vodka to hide in this drink. It's basically vodka with a hint of vermouth, so if your vodka tastes rough, your martini will too.

Indecent Filthy Dirty Martini: The "I Like My Martinis Savoury" Drink

For those who want their martini with a briny kick, this is the one.

What you need:

• 50ml Dutch Barn Vodka
• 10ml dry vermouth
• 10ml olive brine
• Ice
• Olives on a cocktail stick

How to make it:

• Fill mixing glass with ice
• Add all ingredients except garnish
• Stir generously and strain into a frozen martini glass
• Garnish with olives on cocktail stick

Why it works:

The brine adds a distinctive, salty edge that enhances the vodka's smoothness. It's bold, unapologetic, and absolutely delicious.

Orchard Vodka Tonic: The "Simple But Elevated" Drink

Sometimes simple is best, but that doesn't mean it has to be boring.

What you need:

• 50ml Dutch Barn Vodka
• 100ml Mediterranean tonic
• Cubed ice
• 2 dashes orange bitters
• Pink grapefruit slice
• Rosemary sprig (clapped)

How to make it:

• Pour Dutch Barn Vodka into a square wine glass or spritz glass
• Pour Mediterranean tonic
• Add cubed ice to fill most of the glass
• Add 2 dashes of orange bitters over the ice
• Add a pink grapefruit slice
• Clap a rosemary sprig to release the oils and add to the glass

Why it works:

The Mediterranean tonic brings complexity, the orange bitters add depth, and the grapefruit and rosemary make it feel special without being complicated.

Dutch Barn tip:

Because this drink is so simple, vodka quality really shows. Dutch Barn's smooth character makes this a pleasure rather than something you just endure.

Citrus Cosmo: The "Modern Classic" Drink

Our twist on the Cosmopolitan uses Dutch Barn Mediterranean Citrus vodka for extra zing.

What you need:

• 50ml Dutch Barn Vodka Mediterranean Citrus
• 15ml triple sec
• 35ml pomegranate or cranberry juice
• 2 dashes of orange bitters
• 15ml lime juice
• Orange twist garnish

How to make it:

1. Combine Dutch Barn Mediterranean Citrus vodka and all ingredients into a shaker with ice
2. Shake well and strain into a martini glass
3. Garnish with a fresh orange peel twist

Why it works:

It's sweet but not too sweet, tart but not too tart, and that pink colour is undeniably appealing even if you won't admit it. Our Mediterranean Citrus vodka adds an extra layer of zesty flavour.

Cherry Mojito: The "Fruity and Fresh" Drink

A refreshing twist on the classic, using Dutch Barn Black Cherry Vodka.

What you need:

• 30ml white rum
• 30ml Dutch Barn Vodka Black Cherry
• 15ml sugar syrup
• Mint leaves
• Maraschino cherry
• Soda water
• Mint sprig and cherry garnish

How to make it:

1. Add the rum, Dutch Barn Black Cherry vodka, syrup, 5 mint leaves and a maraschino cherry to a highball glass
2. Muddle all ingredients
3. Add ice and stir
4. Top up with soda
5. Garnish with mint sprig and maraschino cherry

Why it works:

The combination of rum and our Black Cherry vodka creates a fruit-forward drink that's perfect for summer. The cherry flavour from our vodka is authentic and vibrant, not artificial and cloying.

Dutch Barn Apple-Tini: The "Contemporary Classic" Drink

It's all about apples with this one, our vodka is made from British apples, so it only makes sense.

What you need:

• 40ml Dutch Barn Vodka
• 10ml apple liqueur (e.g. Monin Liqueur De Manzana Verde)
• 35ml apple juice
• 10ml sugar syrup
• 10ml lemon juice
• Apple fan garnish

How to make it:

• Add ice to cocktail shaker
• Add all ingredients
• Shake well
• Strain into a chilled coupette
• Garnish with apple fan

Why it works:

Since Dutch Barn is made from British apples, the apple flavour is authentic and layered, not one-dimensional. This drink celebrates that.

Black Forest Martini: The "Dessert in a Glass" Drink

Made with Dutch Barn Black Cherry Vodka, this is indulgent and delicious.

What you need:

• 30ml Dutch Barn Vodka Black Cherry
• 30ml Baileys Chocolate
• 30ml Ellers Farm Espresso Liqueur
• 30ml single cream
• Dash of chocolate bitters
• Shaved chocolate and black cherries in kirsch garnish

How to make it:

• Fill shaker with ice and all ingredients except garnish
• Shake well and strain into a coupe glass
• Garnish with shaved chocolate and black cherries in kirsch

Why it works:

It's decadent, rich, and perfect for winter evenings. The cherry, chocolate, and espresso combination is a classic for a reason.

Amarena: The "Winter Evening" Drink

A luxurious blend with Dutch Barn Black Cherry Vodka.

What you need:

• 45ml Dutch Barn Vodka Black Cherry
• 25ml Ellers Farm Espresso Liqueur
• 2 dashes of chocolate bitters
• Maraschino cherry garnish

How to make it:

• Combine Dutch Barn Black Cherry vodka and other ingredients (except garnish) in a mixing jug with ice and stir
• Pour mixture over ice in a glass
• Garnish with maraschino cherry

Why it works:

It balances sweet and sour cherry flavours with rich espresso for a velvety, vibrant cocktail.

The "I'm Making This Up as I Go" Guidelines

Can't remember a specific recipe? Here's your cheat sheet for creating drinks on the fly:

The formula:

• Spirit (vodka): 50ml
• Strong (citrus juice, coffee, etc.): 25ml
• Weak (mixer, tonic, soda, juice): 100-150ml
• Sweet (liqueur, simple syrup): 15ml
• Ice: lots

General principles:

• Sour needs sweet
• Strong needs weak
• Everything needs ice
• When in doubt, add citrus

The Mistakes Everyone Makes (And How to Avoid Them)

Not using enough ice – More ice = better drink. It's counterintuitive but true.

Shaking too little – If you're supposed to shake, shake properly. A half-hearted rattle won't cut it.

Using old citrus – That lime from three weeks ago isn't doing you any favours. Fresh citrus or nothing.

Measuring with your heart – Romantic, but your drinks will be inconsistent. Measure, at least initially.

Overthinking it – Cocktails aren't rocket science. If you enjoy it, you've succeeded.

Using bad vodka – We've said it before, we'll say it again: good vodka makes good cocktails. Dutch Barn is good vodka. Use good vodka.

The Bottom Line

Making vodka cocktails isn't difficult. You don't need a degree in mixology, a bartending licence, or the ability to juggle bottles whilst maintaining intense eye contact with strangers.

You just need decent vodka (like Dutch Barn), some basic ingredients, ice, and the willingness to follow simple instructions without overcomplicating things.

Will your first attempts be perfect? Probably not. Will they be drinkable? Almost certainly. Will they get better with practice? Absolutely.

And here's the secret that cocktail snobs don't want you to know: if you enjoy it, it's a good cocktail. The ice cube ratio police aren't real. The garnish inspectors don't exist. The cocktail purists can judge all they want from their bar stools, you're at home, making drinks you enjoy, and that's literally all that matters.

So grab your Dutch Barn vodka, pick a recipe (we highly recommend starting with the Lazy Donkey), and make yourself a drink. If it tastes good, you've succeeded. If it doesn't, adjust and try again. That's it. That's the entire secret to cocktails.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have some "quality control testing" to do on these recipes. Purely for research purposes. Multiple times. For science.

Cheers (and may your Lazy Donkeys be plentiful),

The Dutch Barn Team

(Mixing drinks since this afternoon, judging your ice cube ratio since never, all the while helping donkeys)